Thursday, June 23, 2016

A Huge Chapter Closes

The weight on my shoulders feels like the weight of the world. And it is not the weight of victory. It feels like the weight of a sea of tears. Today the old house goes on the market. The Carpenter and I truly built what we had from scratch. We worked hard, both of us.

I hate divorce. I hate broken homes. I mourn the very frail person I had become after all those years of trying to live like a soldier. I craved kindness and gentleness. And that frailty led me into the huge mistake of a second marriage, probably the darkest chapter in my life, but I still look back and know that everything I did, I did with what I believed were good intentions.

I spent 14 years of my marriage to the Carpenter with no clothes dryer. Was it hard? Yes. But he helped wash clothes and there were many sweet days hanging clothes out on the line while my boys played in the yard. I can see the sunshine on their golden hair. I can hear them laughing and running around. Then I had my little dark-headed boy. We had so many meals together around that old enamel top table. I finally got my little princess. I dressed her up like a princess and we raised bunnies. The years rolled on. All in all, the carpenter and I occupied that home together for 23 years. There were many, many sweet memories for me, mostly centered around putting my heart into raising my children and caring for my garden and my home. But one day I broke, beyond repair, after one too many harsh words.

People, treat those you love the way you would treat them if they were not yours and you wanted to have them. That is all.

If you are crying at all, so am I. It is probably all that I will do today as I work through these feelings.

Now, for the positive side of things. I am learning to be happy. I have healthy boundaries now. I am finally feeling like Lynn again. Even my mom and my sister say I seem more like myself than I have in decades. I believe all of my children are finally healing. I have two beautiful grandchildren and five beautiful step-grandchildren. I went out and purchased the Element, something that I wanted! Me!

I have developed a deep and abiding friendship with my Jason, whom I love very much. I am treated with such respect and kindness, and anything creative that I want to do, it is with great support and blessing on his part. And let me add, my finding happiness has happened within myself and not by trying to find a man in my life. I went to Jason for guitar lessons and found such a dear friend! He did a huge part of the work to get me in this current shop that I have, and he teaches me tirelessly as far as my guitar is concerned.

I think I just needed to get that off of my chest. It hurts likes the dickens to see that house go up for sale, to realize that it is a chapter that will be forever closed. I love that little phrase, long days and short years. That is truly what I lived in that house. Remember the Mulberry tree? Remember the homeschooling adventures with Michaela? Remember when I thought Joseph would never learn to read? Remember the year of the dollhouse? Now it will be a process of throwing away items from the house and selling what can be sold and knowing that I will never walk those wooden floors again, or dance on wet soapy rags to clean the kitchen floor, or sit on the front steps and drink tea. I cry long and hard for my babies because they ended up with exactly what I never wanted them to have, a broken home. But they all have grit, they are all loved by both of their parents, and they all love their parents and each other. I think we are all going to be OK.

On that note, I will share my most recent painting, and attempt at something more abstract. I'm trying to work more with colors and shapes. Also, here is my little work desk in my sweet happy place, my shop. And with that, my lunch break is over and I better get busy with my real work.





Enjoy this day.

14 comments:

  1. Well I'm happy things have turned out and sadness (I hope) is forever behind you! I'm glad to have met you while you were in your beloved house and I did get to see your beautiful gardens there. love,andrea

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    1. Oh Andrea. There is a part of me that will forever live in that garden.
      Thank you!
      Love,
      Lynn

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  2. Dear Lynn,
    You always handle whatever life gives you with such grace. I wish you peace, happiness and much love in your future.
    Love, Laurie

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  3. I truly hope all the sadness in your life is behind you and that you are able to move on and heal. You certainly seem to have found someone to help you with the process. Look after yourself and take care.

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    1. Thank you so much. I am getting better. I had no idea it would be such a journey to find myself again.
      xo
      Lynn

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  4. I just would like to hug you.

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    1. Hilary, thank you! I hope we meet some day.
      xo
      Lynn

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  5. Hello Lynn, long time no comment !
    I'm glad things are moving on for you and you seem to be finding some happiness. However, I still sense the sadness you are feeling. Try not to let it overwhelm you, my long distance friend, you have achieved so much and I know only too well how hard it all must have been whilst carrying around such pain.
    I recently attempted to 'escape', (again) but it didn't work and I am still stuck, so I am trying to make the best of what I have as I seem destined never to get away.
    Hugs from UK
    Wean

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    1. Hi, Wean! It's so good to hear from you! I do have to fight sadness at times. I think we all have it, but coming from a place of oppression or abuse or being controlled is just hard to explain unless you've lived it. I want you to be "unstuck" some day. Thank you for the encouragement!
      Love,
      Lynn

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  6. hi lynn,
    just catching up with blogs from the past week and had to comment (again - so soon - i know!).
    i know how hard it must be to have your old house up for sale. i lived in the same house for the first 33 years of my life, the last 6 with my husband after we bought it from my mom right after we married. went to the same church right down the road, had the same address, same phone number, and many of the same neighbors all that time. we brought our firstborn son home to that house. when we moved, i cried all the way from that house to this one! but i needed a change, and all is good. we love it here. i cannot believe we've been in this house for 15 years already - almost half of the time spent in my first house!!!!!
    yes, the days are long but the years are short. time continues to move on. and you, my friend, have always persevered. really lynn, you're an amazing person. even when you thought you were frail, somewhere inside you did have the faith and the strength to move onward and upward when needed. so glad you're feeling more like yourself. you've worked hard for it!
    we only live 30 minutes from our old house, so when we're in the area we sometimes drive by. it's not the same. the neighborhood is not the same. neither are we. but i, like you, have many memories that are forever part of us and part of who we are.
    sending out lots of love and hugs to you today!!!
    your friend,
    connie

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    1. Oh, Connie! Hearing from you is music to my ears! :). Thanks for the wise words. I can see that there is so much to move on to and to move towards. I am loving just getting to know myself again, and I sure don't mean that in a proud way. As far as being in the same place, I do know exactly what you mean. Even after I left the old house, I would find myself driving that way, lost in thought, because it was the habitual thing to do! I cannot say that I'd want to live there again, because I think I'd be overwhelmed with memories and sadness, but I do like to drive by and see it sometimes. Will be interesting to see what the new owners do with it once it sells. Ah, well. Thanks so much for the kind words of encouragement! Love, Lynn

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  7. Dear Sweet Lynn,
    How grateful I am to count you among my friends. You live with such grace, beauty and strength of heart. I have been so very absent in visiting all of the blogs that I love to read. I have missed yours the most. I wish I were there to give you a hug and just let you know how much I admire all that you have battled through and overcome. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache you have suffered. I am so happy that you are finding real happiness and peace at last and hopefully true healing. You are more deserving of a happy life than anyone I know. You are such a wonderful mother. You are so talented and I just LOVE your new paintings. Your grandbaby is so beautiful. Your beautiful shop just makes me smile and smile when I see the photos of it. Such a place of creativity and sunshine. Thank you for all of your kind comments over on my little struggling blog. I truly do value your friendship. Blessings and much love and care, Valerie

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    1. Dear Valerie, I am so sorry it took me so long to publish your comment! I just didn't see it at first! Comments rarely get moderated here on this blog but yours somehow got caught in the moderated folder. Thank you so much. I feel all the same about you! You are so talented and special and such a good mama and wife! You have made my day! Love and hugs!! Lynn

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Dear friends, I love hearing from each and every one of you. I will always do my best to respond and to keep up with your blogs as well. xoxo Lynn