The weight on my shoulders feels like the weight of the world. And it is not the weight of victory. It feels like the weight of a sea of tears. Today the old house goes on the market. The Carpenter and I truly built what we had from scratch. We worked hard, both of us.
I hate divorce. I hate broken homes. I mourn the very frail person I had become after all those years of trying to live like a soldier. I craved kindness and gentleness. And that frailty led me into the huge mistake of a second marriage, probably the darkest chapter in my life, but I still look back and know that everything I did, I did with what I believed were good intentions.
I spent 14 years of my marriage to the Carpenter with no clothes dryer. Was it hard? Yes. But he helped wash clothes and there were many sweet days hanging clothes out on the line while my boys played in the yard. I can see the sunshine on their golden hair. I can hear them laughing and running around. Then I had my little dark-headed boy. We had so many meals together around that old enamel top table. I finally got my little princess. I dressed her up like a princess and we raised bunnies. The years rolled on. All in all, the carpenter and I occupied that home together for 23 years. There were many, many sweet memories for me, mostly centered around putting my heart into raising my children and caring for my garden and my home. But one day I broke, beyond repair, after one too many harsh words.
People, treat those you love the way you would treat them if they were not yours and you wanted to have them. That is all.
If you are crying at all, so am I. It is probably all that I will do today as I work through these feelings.
Now, for the positive side of things. I am learning to be happy. I have healthy boundaries now. I am finally feeling like Lynn again. Even my mom and my sister say I seem more like myself than I have in decades. I believe all of my children are finally healing. I have two beautiful grandchildren and five beautiful step-grandchildren. I went out and purchased the Element, something that I wanted! Me!
I have developed a deep and abiding friendship with my Jason, whom I love very much. I am treated with such respect and kindness, and anything creative that I want to do, it is with great support and blessing on his part. And let me add, my finding happiness has happened within myself and not by trying to find a man in my life. I went to Jason for guitar lessons and found such a dear friend! He did a huge part of the work to get me in this current shop that I have, and he teaches me tirelessly as far as my guitar is concerned.
I think I just needed to get that off of my chest. It hurts likes the dickens to see that house go up for sale, to realize that it is a chapter that will be forever closed. I love that little phrase, long days and short years. That is truly what I lived in that house. Remember the Mulberry tree? Remember the homeschooling adventures with Michaela? Remember when I thought Joseph would never learn to read? Remember the year of the dollhouse? Now it will be a process of throwing away items from the house and selling what can be sold and knowing that I will never walk those wooden floors again, or dance on wet soapy rags to clean the kitchen floor, or sit on the front steps and drink tea. I cry long and hard for my babies because they ended up with exactly what I never wanted them to have, a broken home. But they all have grit, they are all loved by both of their parents, and they all love their parents and each other. I think we are all going to be OK.
On that note, I will share my most recent painting, and
attempt at something more abstract. I'm trying to work more with colors and shapes. Also, here is my little work desk in my sweet happy place, my shop. And with that, my lunch break is over and I better get busy with my real work.
Enjoy this day.